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A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, "You' re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." "You bastard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom. "You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer", says the judge. "Bastard"! the same person yells. The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt". "I'm sorry, your honor", says the man "but I've been this bastard's neighbor for 10 years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one".

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Escalade in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a cop shows up. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Caddy, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the cop shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer. The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

A priest and a lawyer died on the same day and went to heaven. The priest is shown to his room, which is just a basic little room with a bed and a window. The lawyer is taken to his room which is a plush 5-star suite with a jacuzi, cable TV, king-size bed, kitchen, you name it. Confused, the priest goes to see god. "I've served you my entire life. Why do I get this plain little room while this lawyer gets the presidential suite?" "Well" says God "we get priests in here every day. But this is the first lawyer we've ever had".


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