8 posts in this topic

PG-13

What do you call a Portlander in a suit?
The defendant.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Portland?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

The TSA had shut PDX down for 8 hours yesterday due to a "suspicious car". The title, insurance and radio were still in it.

I was at a Multnomah County library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He said, "You will have to prove you're a resident of Portland." So I shot him.

A Portlander, a Vancouverite and a Rastamon all sat in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys - however, unfortunately, they've run out of the name tags and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Vancouverite wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "Excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine?" "Probably", said the Vancouverite, "but one of these kids is a Portlander, and I don't wanna take my chances."

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What do you call the big pointy thing above a tourists head?

An Umbrella. 

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PG-13

165 years ago this year, Portland was incorporated as a city.

The city had no money.
The city had no electricity.
The city had no functioning sewer system.
There were no paved roads.
Nobody spoke English.
Everybody was drunk.
There were gunfights in the streets.
Whores were cheap and plentiful.

So basically it was the same as it is today, except the women didn't grow beards and the men didn't sex each other in public.

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G/PG, I guess.

What's the best thing to come out of Portland?
Interstate 205.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Portland, duh. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear that they have proposed raising the minimum drinking age in unincorporated Multnomah/Clackamas/Washington County to 35? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the junior high schools.

You might be a Portlander if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than you do.
Your wife has a beer gut and you think she looks sexy.
Taking a shower means waiting for the next rain storm.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Your front porch collapses and kills three of your eight dogs.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You find the stock you bought in the Gillette Company 20 years ago when you were still halfway sober and neatly groomed is suddenly worthless.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
One of your kids was born on a workbench in the shed.
Your house still has the "OVERSIZE LOAD" sign on the back.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The tail light covers of your car are made of red duct tape.
It requires each of your twelve kids to walk a dog so you and your wife can have sex.
Directions to your home include "turn off the paved road".
You can't find your car, which is on blocks, through the blackberry canes/grass in the yard.
You have flowers planted in a toilet in your front yard.
The Blue Book value of your car fluctuates depending on how much gas it has in it.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

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G

The Portland Driver's Guide:

Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a six-story building.

When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on bridges and I-5 during peak rush hour traffic.

If your car breaks down while driving, do not attempt to move to the shoulder. Stay in the middle of the road.

If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.

If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible or replace it with a tomato can. If you have a motorbike, drive through residential areas between 12:30 and 4 AM as much as you can and rev the engine frequently.

If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.

Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet and slippery roads.

If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipe, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to share some of it with the driver/bike rider behind you.

Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where you're looking, or what's happening in front of you. If a window gets broken, replace it as soon as possible with a black plastic garbage bag duct taped to the door frame.

Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station.

Do not, under any circumstance, replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.

When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, always use a high-beam bulb.

Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit.

If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and slip the mechanic $20 to pass you.

If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until inspection time to get them repaired.

If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red duct tape. If the turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow duct tape.

If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, unbend an old wire hanger and use it to loosely hook it back up. Better yet, just let it drag on the road.

If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.

Adjust your windshield squirters so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicles in front of and behind you.

An old pill bottle is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.

When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.

When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.

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G

What should you yell if you see a Portlander on a bike?
"STOP, THIEF!"

What do you call a "Portland surprise"?
A car with the engine still in it.

Why is a cigarette like a Portlander?
They both stink, they come in packs of 20 and they're both banned from pubs all across Washington.

Why are honeymooning Portlanders so sad to leave Niagara Falls?
Because it's the last time they'll ever see running water.

How can you tell a Portland millionaire?
Because he's picking caviar out of his beard.

What does the rest of Oregon call the Willamette River?
The Portland sewer system.

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Two Seattle boys are playing soccer in a park when one of them is attacked by
a stray dog. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the
while, a newspaperman who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He
rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his
story for the next edition.
He writes, "Sounders fan saves friend from vicious dog".
The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Sounders fan".
The reporter starts again: "Reign fan saves friend from horrific attack".
The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Reign fan either".
The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?"
"The Timbers", replies the boy.
The next day's headline: "Portland bastard murders beloved family pet".

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