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After a bad relationship (The worst in my entire history, however short of a list that may be) I have recently been back in the dating world, such as it is. It is very difficult finding someone out there who can put up with all that goes along with being me. I have very high standards for people and I am not willing to settle for just anyone yet that being said, I admit that I am certainly not the greatest catch out there.
That being said, I have been finding it difficult to trust after being used and mistreated in a previous relationship. It is a fine line between holding up standards in what I expect in a girlfriend and how much I hold myself back. This past abuse has turned me a bit jaded. I want to trust. I want to be trusted. I am not sure if I know how to do that.
I am also a hacker, which means I am distrustful by nature. I question everything. So when someone says something to me, I always take it with a grain of salt. That makes it difficult to trust it when someone pays me a compliment, or does extend themself to me. Everyone that I have ever trusted has eventually let me down (except for my mother who is the only person in all of existence that I trust explicitly).
Luckily, one thing that I do have that helps is a Southern upbringing. I grew up in a world where people trust each other in general. It is very easy for me to trust people for small things. I loan friends money all the time. I take risks to help people...even strangers. I give my time, my knowledge, my advice, and anything that I can. These are easy for me because I want to help people an I like helping people and I like it when people trust me because it means that I can probably trust them. Because of that belief system and way of life, I always give everyone a chance when I first meet them. That comes very easy to me. But that is not the trust that I am talking about here. That is a different type of trust. I always give people people a chance to earn my trust at those types of things. When it comes to my heart and my soul...that is a lot harder and that is the root of this whole conundrum.
I still believe that you have to be willing to trust and you have to have someone who is willing to trust you as well. This is very difficult for me these days and I have to keep reminding myself to trust people. If you don't give people a chance to come into your life...they never will. This puts me in a delicate balancing act...
I have to somehow try to balance these two seemingly incompatible worlds: The world of hurt...and the world of hope.
I have been talking to a very nice young lady recently and she has actually been pretty awesome. Most that I have talked to have been mental, boring, or disinterested in me. Even though we have only gone out a couple of times, I think this one is different. WE laugh and cuss and make the same silly jokes. We like to torture each other with mixed messages. We both have similar pasts. Last night, I spent the entire night until 5 AM texting and talking with her on the phone. I haven't actually gotten along with anyone like this in a while and it is a scary thing to me. Especially since this is exactly how that last abusive relationship started. I don't want to trust too much and potentially be hurt again but I also don't want to miss out on a great woman because I was unable to open myself up and trust again. I am putting my heart on the line again and hoping that it is the right thing to do. I hope I am doing the right thing.
This shit is HARD!!!! I FAIL at dating.
There has to be one other person out there who I can trust isn't there?