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About this blog

The deafening howls of a lost Dawg...

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StankDawg

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know...take it to livejournal...but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

***

I have been dealing with some personal issues with people very close to me (friends and family) that have really opened my eyes to the reality that is mental illness. I always thought that most mental illness was misdiagnoses of common things that people go through. I still believe this to be true in cases of ADD/ADHD, Depression and many others. Look, we all have bad days, but that doesn't mean you are clinically depressed and have a mental problem. A lot of kids are hyper, this doesn't mean that they need to be medicated. These are temporary conditions and I think they are far too often used as excuses to cover up problem behavior. At the same time, I also realize that when the mental illness is real, it is very much as devastating as any physical illness can be.

It is also especially scary depending on the type of mental illness. Some are "functional" where the person can still function in society. This may require drugs or regular therapy or other way of coping with the illness. It may also simply mean that the case is so mild or harmless in nature that the person may simply be viewed as "quirky" or "weird" to others. Hell, I fall into that category. But sometimes they are much more serious and it is a very sad thing to see up close.

A very close friend of mind...or former friend, as it were...had a problem that I have never really seen up close before. It is called Paranoia and you might think that you know what that is. Calling someone Paranoid is very common, especially to us conspiracy theorists. We hear that a lot. A lot of my co-workers think that I am overly paranoid. This is just using the an word when what they really should be saying is "cautious" or "concerned". True Paranoia is a recognized mental illness. It is also commonly associated with other things, specifically schizophrenia. Both basically describe a person who thinks that everyone is out to get them, but in a very sincere way. In some very extreme cases, the person will hear voices and believe that they are on a mission from a higher power telling them what to do and who not to trust. These extreme cases mean that the person is not in control of their own mind. What I witnessed was not this bad, but it did involve someone who thought that no one was on their side. They feel alone in the world and think that the system is against them. This could be from their family (parents), the government, their friends, their employer, or all of the above. It is very sad because although I can see it very well, they cannot. This is the cruel juxtaposition of the disorder. You want to reach out and hold them and tell them that it is OK and that you are there to help them and you are on their side, but you cannot force them to believe you. If they think that you are out to get them, how do you help them? I offered to go to therapy with this person and they immediately lashed out and said that *I* was the one who needed therapy and we were never able to approach the topic again without me being accused of being out to get them and make them into a bad person. The truth is that I want to help, but I learned that you cannot help some who doesn't want, or think that they need, help. It is a sad situation and it causes families, friendships, and relationships to fall apart and there is nothing that you can do about it except hope that the person come to the realization on their own that they have a problem. It also hurts the ones that care about them more than they probably realize.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's. Now this is a physical disease but it has a mental manifestation in the form of lost memory and communication skills. I have had to watch my grandmother deteriorate slowly over the course of the past 5 years to the point where she cannot even say my name anymore. She recognizes me...sometimes...actually, very rarely. Usually, she is oblivious to everythign including the passing days. She has some "good days" which you may hear mentioned when speaking of Alzheimer's patients. Most of the time, however, are bad days (or normal days for her) where she doesn't acknowledge the passing of time, she doesn't know how old she is, or where she is. Sometimes I think that the bad days, ironically, are the good days in her life anyway because she doesn't really comprehend what is going on around her. On her "good" days I visit her and she has some long term memory, but very broken short term memory. On one good day, she understood that she was in the hospital and knew that she was sick, but not what she was sick with. She had fallen and hurt her arm when she first went in the hospital and she thinks that she is still in the hospital for that. She doesn't realize that it happened 5 years ago. One of the hardest things in the world that I have ever had to do was to look into my Grandmother's face and lie to her when she looked at me and asked me when she would be going home. I lied and told her through my tears "soon Nannie...soon". It makes me cry right now as I write this, but hey...I can handle it. I am "strong like Bull".

And don't even get me started on my own Mental issues...I have plenty. I think that I am pretty functional though. I am usually just "weird" to most people because I think and act differently than everyone else. I chalk a lot of that up to being a hacker, but some of it is probably deeper than that. I know this though, and I do a lot of self-analysis to try and recognize it so that I can overcome it. I think that this is true for most people. What is "normal" anyway? I may have my moments, but all-in-all, I am pretty normal to most people. It just takes a special kind of person to "get me" completely. I thought I had actually found one person who was special enough to "get me" but that didn't work out and that is a whole other story for another post. I think this was more than enough corniness for one post.

StankDawg

I had some people in my life last year that were Canadians. Now, I have other Canadian friends here as well and I had never thought that there was any animosity between our countries. I mean, I had no problem with Canada (or Canadia as I jokingly refer to it). I may not agree with their form of government or some of their lifestyle differences, but I certainly respect them. They are not a bad country. What they do, works for them and God bless them for that.

But those Canadians did seem to have horrible animosity towards the United States. I had to constantly ask them to watch the US bashing around me. I don't know if they are getting brainwashed by their own media or if they are just arrogant as a society or what. Luckily, as I said earlier, I have some other Canadians friend in real life. They inform me that most Canadians don't feel animosity towards the United states at all. And When I thought about that I realized that the same holds true for Americans. Most of us don't think poorly of Canada at all. But there are a few vocal minorities here that seem to have some hatred and distaste for Canada. I usually label these Americans as kooks and extremists for the most part. After realizing that, I also labeled these Canadians that I dealt with as kooks as well. I did not let their negativity influence me any more than I let other Americans influence me with their anti-Canadian rhetoric either. But I do understand it a little more now. I mean, if their experience with Canadians was anything like mine, I can see why they have such feelings. If I did not have Canadian friends outside of those that I dealt with last year, I would probably be pretty bitter towards them myself based on this experience.

Luckily, I instead decided to examine the root cause and investigate. I asked my friends here and others who have had issues with Canadians and I have come to the conclusion that I just had a run-in with a bad group of Canadians. They were all lazy, arrogant Generation X slackers (and they ironically bashed Gen Y as spoiled "vapid twits") that simply wanted someone to blame in life. They blame the US for all of the problems in the world because we have, admittedly, been involved in some questionable wars and conflicts over the years. At the same time, we are sending billions into Haiti to help the earthquake victims. Some people put on blinders to the good because they want so badly to have something to be indignant about. Haters are always going to find something to hate. Some people are just negative by nature.

I would like to know why. I am just curious like that (I am a hacker after all). Maybe if they saw the root cause, they would open their eyes and realize it and change. This particular group of people, as I said before, were lazy "gen-X" folks who had not really accomplished much in life. They get by and make a living, but that is about it. I cannot say that they ever helped anyone or did anything to improve or benefit society. The Canadian government provides so much for them that it becomes easy to become a leech on the system there. They get enough to get by in life from a minimum wage job and the government handouts (which is actually money from the 99% of good people in Canada who do work hard and strive for better things) but they aren't really prospering. This is the same with the welfare system in this country. These services exists to give you the minimum to survive. If you don't like the minimum, then get some ambition and move up in life. That is what I did. I grew up poor. I got an education. I got out of it. Do Canadians have that same opportunity? It sure looks like they do. If they do not, then come down here to the US (which many of them do). We always have room for hard working people! Despite the vocal minority of anti-Canada rhetoric mentioned earlier, I would be the first one to extend my hand and welcome you here.

Basically, I think it is simply the caliber of person you are dealing with. Some people are just low-class (which has nothing to do with job or finances) and have bad attitudes and have their hand out. IT is just a universal truth and has nothing to do with the countries at all. People just need someone to blame for their own inadequacies and in this case, it is to point at another country who seems to have more than you. Really it is no different than the same mentality and animosity that some of these middle Eastern countries have for us. Is Canada poised to attack next? :)

It is the old story of the ant and the grasshopper. The ants work all day and get ahead and then the grasshopper just mooches of of the ants. The people that I dealt with were the grasshoppers and they are just bitching about how the ant is holding them down and how unfair it is that the government does not give them as much as the ant earned for itself via hard work. They view the United states as the ant and this animosity grows. I really don't think it is between the countries, I think it is between a few individuals with bad attitudes on both sides.

That is just my theory based on a handful of people that I dealt with last year. I know that we have some Canadians here on binrev and a couple of them are really great people who I like and respect like Seal and Aghaster. I would love to hear the opinions of any Canadians on binrev and although we may not be able to change the world view, maybe we can educate people here on binrev about why there is such anti-American and anti-Canadian sentiment between our two countries.

StankDawg

FIRST!

This is the first post in the first blog in the new integrated blogging system. We have installed the module and we are deciding how we will roll this out to our users and which users will have the abilities to use it.

Be patient and stay tuned for more information!

StankDawg

Yeah, so I guess I fail at being a normal red blooded American male. This chick that I was chatting up on one of those dating sites who lives like 5 minutes away from me pretty much offered a FWB relationship (I only recently learned that acronym myself so I provided a link to it for others who are as clueless as I am) and I said no.

I guess most people would consider that a perfect relationship. A good looking girl who wants sex with no strings attached and she is even conveniently located near where I live? What the hell is wrong with me? I wanted to. I thought about it, I will be honest. But I just am not looking for a "hook-up" at this point in my life. I am looking for "the one". I tried to convince myself that I can have both...I mean, who doesn't want to put a different game on "free play" while they wait to buy the game that they really want?

And if anyone got that last reference (you may think you did, but you probably didn't unless you are over the age of 30), then you really are a geek.

I hereby turn in my man card. :(

StankDawg

After a bad relationship (The worst in my entire history, however short of a list that may be) I have recently been back in the dating world, such as it is. It is very difficult finding someone out there who can put up with all that goes along with being me. I have very high standards for people and I am not willing to settle for just anyone yet that being said, I admit that I am certainly not the greatest catch out there.

That being said, I have been finding it difficult to trust after being used and mistreated in a previous relationship. It is a fine line between holding up standards in what I expect in a girlfriend and how much I hold myself back. This past abuse has turned me a bit jaded. I want to trust. I want to be trusted. I am not sure if I know how to do that.

I am also a hacker, which means I am distrustful by nature. I question everything. So when someone says something to me, I always take it with a grain of salt. That makes it difficult to trust it when someone pays me a compliment, or does extend themself to me. Everyone that I have ever trusted has eventually let me down (except for my mother who is the only person in all of existence that I trust explicitly).

Luckily, one thing that I do have that helps is a Southern upbringing. I grew up in a world where people trust each other in general. It is very easy for me to trust people for small things. I loan friends money all the time. I take risks to help people...even strangers. I give my time, my knowledge, my advice, and anything that I can. These are easy for me because I want to help people an I like helping people and I like it when people trust me because it means that I can probably trust them. Because of that belief system and way of life, I always give everyone a chance when I first meet them. That comes very easy to me. But that is not the trust that I am talking about here. That is a different type of trust. I always give people people a chance to earn my trust at those types of things. When it comes to my heart and my soul...that is a lot harder and that is the root of this whole conundrum.

I still believe that you have to be willing to trust and you have to have someone who is willing to trust you as well. This is very difficult for me these days and I have to keep reminding myself to trust people. If you don't give people a chance to come into your life...they never will. This puts me in a delicate balancing act...

I have to somehow try to balance these two seemingly incompatible worlds: The world of hurt...and the world of hope.

I have been talking to a very nice young lady recently and she has actually been pretty awesome. Most that I have talked to have been mental, boring, or disinterested in me. Even though we have only gone out a couple of times, I think this one is different. WE laugh and cuss and make the same silly jokes. We like to torture each other with mixed messages. We both have similar pasts. Last night, I spent the entire night until 5 AM texting and talking with her on the phone. I haven't actually gotten along with anyone like this in a while and it is a scary thing to me. Especially since this is exactly how that last abusive relationship started. I don't want to trust too much and potentially be hurt again but I also don't want to miss out on a great woman because I was unable to open myself up and trust again. I am putting my heart on the line again and hoping that it is the right thing to do. I hope I am doing the right thing.

This shit is HARD!!!! I FAIL at dating.

There has to be one other person out there who I can trust isn't there?

StankDawg

I awoke one morning to find this message in IRC at around 5 AM.

--> Peroxyde (Dylan@omghax-4CF3650B.home.cgocable.net) has joined #binrev

<Peroxyde> Huh, just as pathetic as I expected.

<Peroxyde> Kudos on ruining the community, StankDawg.

<-- Peroxyde has quit (Quit: SHAZAM)

This is the shit that I have to put up with... Is there no wonder why I want to quit?

StankDawg

I am an "American constitutionalist". I believe in the constitution from top to bottom and consider it one of the greatest documents ever written. This country was founded under it and grew and prospered under it. Recently, we have been going away from that very foundation that made us great and look at what is happening to our country. We are falling to pieces economically, morally, and structurally. Americans are starting to finally wake up to problems that we have had for the past 30+ years. I am glad that people are starting to see the light. I only hope that it isn't too late.

To ensure that it isn't too late, I have recently re--embraced my rights granted to me in the bill of rights (aka the preamble) of my constitution. Particularly, the second amendment. People who know me know that I am a big believer in the first amendment which, as every knows (or should know) is freedom of speech. I find it funny that many people support this 1st amendment, but they are against the second amendment. As the saying goes, the 1st amendment is so important, that the second amendment was made to guarantee it.

I think that a lot of people jump onto political party agenda bandwagons without realizing WHY this amendment exists. You have to have a grasp on the history of our country to get it. We left to form our new country to get away from a government that was repressive. We didn't want to be told what we could or could not say or think. We did not want to be forced into a certain particular religion or any religion for that matter. This is not the role of the government. These things were so important that they were written as the foundation to our constitution. Originally started as the "Constitution of Virginia" which was written in my home state, it was solid for 200+ years and I would argue, still solid to this day.

Today, in 2010, we have been witnessing a government that has been repressive to say the least. In my opinion, we have been losing our rights slowly but surely over the last 30+ years. The government has been taking over some of the most important institutions on our lives. They run things like our banking system (The Federal Reserve), our Housing industry (Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac), our health care (which looks privatized, but permitted to only a few companies by the government. and who knows what will happen to it now), our transportation systems (Federal Aviation Administration, Department of Transportation), and our communications (the Federal Communications Commission).

Look at those things. Now look at where all of the problems are in the United States right now. Do you see a pattern? The pattern is that WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!! I don't mind some socialization, it is not about that. I just don't trust this government to do it right. This government is screwing this country up so badly that I cannot even put it into words and we have sat by all of this time and let it happen. The sad thing is that 99.9% of us are still standing by and letting this happen because we are simply oblivious to the way things work. Americans are lazy, unmotivated, and uneducated and because of this apathy, those of us who see the truth are prisoners of our own government.

Not me. Fuck that.

Back to my second amendment rights... The second amendment is not just the right to bear arms. It is not some Warmongering mindset that America has been labeled with. We don't want guns because we a re a bunch of hellraisers. that is not what that amendment was written for. It wasn't for wars. It wasn't for hunting. It wasn't so that we could kill each other or become barbarians. Quite the opposite. Read these words carefully.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

The key words here are "necessary to the security of a free state". You see, our forefathers knew that the government that they were escaping form had repressed them leaving no way to rebel and stand up once things had gotten too far. This amendment was written, and made number 2 on the list, because they realized how important it was that they did not allow that to happen again. This right allows us to bear arms not to protect ourselves against outsiders but for something much more important. It allows us to protect ourselves from our own government. All of the other reasons mentioned above are important also, but this was the true reason that it was written.

This is what I have chosen to do. I already had guns as a kid. When you live in the country, and in the South, you grow up around guns. But my guns were for mostly hunting. Now, I have purchased some guns for my own protection. Now before you thinking I am going into full kook mode, let me clarify one thing very clearly. I HOPE THAT I NEVER HAVE TO USE THESE GUNS!!! Sincerely. All of the stuff that I am talking about here is not part of some nut job columbine scheme nor am I going postal. what I am doing is simply exercising my rights as an American citizen before this right, like many others, gets taken away as well.

It is happening people. I don't understand why so many people are blind to it when it is right in front of your eyes. You have rights and if you don't use them, you may lose them. Luckily for me, I am using mine and as to paraphrase the true sentiment of what says in the subject of this post...

"You can have my RIGHTS when you pry them from my cold dead hands."

StankDawg

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know...take it to livejournal...but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

***

If my year had gone the way that I planned it, I would have been proposing to someone today...Today would have been the first day of the rest of my life. The first day of my life that I was complete. As it turns out, that will not be happening.

People change their minds I guess. Things happen, people get scared, hell I don't even know what happened to be honest because I wasn't given an explanation. I was just dumped with no explanation at all. And for the past few months since that happened, I keep trying to find something that I did wrong to cause it. I know this sounds strange, but I almost wish that I *had* actually done something wrong or bad. I wish that I *had* cheated on her or used her or something like that just so that I at least have closure. At least then, I would have a reason to look at myself and feel bad and learn and grow from it and try to avoid making that mistake again. What I finally came realize was that I *didn't* do anything wrong. I *didn't* deserve this. This was NOT my fault.

Now wait a minute, don't be misled...I am no saint. I am not saying that I never did anything wrong. We had some arguments on occasion and while that is normal and healthy in some cases, sometimes it is not. There were occasion misunderstandings, but those happened both ways. This is also normal in my mind. If you love and trust your partner, then you work things like that out. But my point here is to say that I am sure that I made some mistakes and did or said some things that I regret (and apologized for) but so did she so I think we were even on that front.

But in the end, I was still planning on spending the rest of my life with this woman. We had discussed kids, including adopting one. We had even picked out names! We had discussed moving to a new house sometime in the future and I thought that she was the soulmate that I had waited my whole life for. She looked into my eyes 4 days before she left and told me "you are a good man". Apparently, that was until 4 days later when she dumped me over the phone and never came back. I deserve better than that. I deserve an explanation. I deserve a chance to work through whatever problems she thinks existed. I deserve a face to face explanation.

I deserve better.

So here I sit, in a hotel room in New York City, on 11/11. The day that I was going to propose. The day when my new life was going to begin. I have an engagement ring and no one to give it to. I am pretty pathetic.

StankDawg

I just wanted to share a great compliment that I got while in San Francisco. I was in the elevator in my hotel and an older couple got on with me and we just chit-chatted as the elevator about the weather and whatever other small talk came up. As usual, I was myself and just used the manners that I was bought up with. After some "Yes ma'am" and "Yes sir" as they got off at their floor, I held the door for them as they got off of the elevator and wished them a good evening. As the door was closing I overheard them say something that was the best compliment that I have heard in ages. They said "He must be from the South".

After spending the last few years of my life with a woman who made me feel ashamed of my heritage and try to tell me that Southerners are all racists and stupid and worthless in every way, I felt proud to know that people don't associate the South with those things at all. Only ignorant people still think those stereotypes are true. It occurred to me that many people still recognize southerners for their hospitality, manners, and honesty.

It made me feel good. I am Southern and proud and will stay that way until I die.

StankDawg

I got my library card!

Well, this post makes it official. I always hated blogs because people post the stupidest most inane shit that no one could care about and here I am posting about getting my library card.

I have hit a new low. :(

But fuck that libraries fucking ROCK! I have had a library card almost everywhere that I ever lived! For some reason, since I moved to Orlando, I just didn't get around to getting one. I thought about it and realized that these days, whenever I need a book, I just buy it. Fuck that...I already pay taxes and those taxes fund the library so why wouldn't I take advantage of it?

I always loved the library, even as a kid, but it was when I graduated high school and started college that I really started to live in the library. I mean that almost literally. When I was just out of high school and starting college, I spent a lot of time in the library on campus. It was awesome because they pretty much knew that it was just for students on campus and that students were famous for falling asleep in the library so there were several comfortable couches and chairs all over. I found a nice quiet corner in a remote part of the top floor and took a nice stack of books and just went up there to a nice little couch and read until I fell asleep. It was a great way to kill time between classes and catch a few winks. I had my handy-dandy datalink watch (model 150)to wake me up in time for class, so I was straight. I could have lived there (cafeteria was nearby).

But that library was fairly small and mostly contained textbooks. I had read most of the computer related ones that I was interested in and ran out of things to read. Luckily, the public library was only 4 or 5 blocks away. I would walk down to the local library, which was HUGE in comparison, and they had magazines and public computers to use, and just tons of stuff to stay interested. I would go to classes all day and then go to the library until well after dark.

Eventually, I got used to being a regular at that library and started exploring other parts of downtown Louisville KY. I found that if you wear a Doctors lab coat (which I conveniently had ;) ) then you were allowed to freely roam throughout many of the numerous hospitals that were in downtown Louisville. Now, I didn't do anything crazy or dangerous. I just wanted to do some exploring. Cafeterias in hospitals have the best food ever! then, I stumbled upon a University of Louisville medical Library inside of their practicing hospital downtown. Man, there was all kinds of crazy shit in there! Lot so of medical journals and a huge number of medical reference books. This was not really my cup of tea, but it was pretty awesome to know that it existed for the medical students and I did, on occasion, look up a few things that I was curious about. I became an expert on female genitalia, if I do say so myself. ;)

Unfortunately, that is when the real world set in for me. I was maybe 19 or 20 or so and my family was not rich. It came to a point where I had to get a couple of extra jobs to be able to pay for my college tuition and books. This pretty much took all of my free time (and most of my sleeping time). I began working 5 jobs and taking a double load of classes and my love affair with the library came to an abrupt end. Looking back, maybe I should have apologized to the library for abandoning it, but I digress.

How was that for too much information? So yeah, this library is nowhere near as exciting, but I am hopeful that it will re-spark my interest in reading again. I haven't read any fiction or read for any entertainment purposes for along time. I am hoping to find more time to do this instead of just reading technical manuals. So yeah, this was a blog post about me getting my library card...but hopefully I put a little "Stank" on the story so that it is not as lame as it sounds. ;)

If I ever post about what I have for breakfast...kill me. :blink:

StankDawg

So I have been watching this new pseudo-reality show on Discovery channel called "The Colony". I say pseudo-reality, because it is really more of a simulation of what reality might be like in a post disaster environment. They also chose people who clearly would have the skills necessary to survive. These are no everyday dramatards that you find on "the real world" or other reality shows (although there is some drama on occasion). They chose people with specific skillsets that they knew would actually be able to do the interesting things that would be necessary to survive. They chose 1 doctor and a nurse as part of the casts, surrounded them with several mechanics and engineers and some handymen and carpenters. This gives them the skills and knowledge necessary to do things that are needed to survive.

Here is an example: The are dropped off in an abandoned area outside of Los Angeles, CA where there are no other people with whom to interact (other than an occasion plant by the show to test them somehow). But the area that they were guided to was a giant warehouse that just coincidentally happened to have a lot of handy items in it like some canned food to get started, some gasoline and other types of fuel, and a large array of car batteries which is a great start for generating and storing power. I think this is pretty freaking awesome! As a person interested in survival anyway, I find this show intriguing because it shows not the hardcore "eat anything that moves" survival aspect of life, but a more realistic "use what you have laying around" type of survival. This plays very well to my hacker core.

One of my favorite characters is John who is a computer engineer. So the first thing to point out is that there is no power, no Internet, no computer anywhere around in this situation. But let me tell you, this guy is a freaking GENIUS! He is a geek MacGyver! He may be a computer scientist by title, but this guy knows more science than most science teachers that I have had. Not to mention the fact that he is a very gentle and caring human being. He is a bit of an old hippie, but that may be my end form in life. When it is all said and done and I am in my twilight years (if I am not already in them) that might be the same way that people describe me. This guy is one of the best parts of the show.

Another person that I like is Mike who is portrayed as the general handyman of the group with bonus knowledge of solar energy (how convenient that there were solar panels on a nearby building) which is apparently what he does for a living. He is a great example of someone who just works hard to get things done. He knows what he can do and just does it and if he doesn't know it, he figures it out. He proves that you don't need a PhD to be smart and accomplish a lot of things. There is another character on the show who is supposedly a rocket scientist (Aerospace engineer to be exact) named Morgan who is worthless. She has done nothing the entire show except get an old record player working to play music. She tried to help on other project but showed her ineffectiveness compared to o0thers like Vlad and John. Mike can be a bit of a dick sometimes, but I would gladly have him on my team anytime.

I highly recommend that you check this show out. I really think that it is must see for hackers of all kinds as well as anyone with an interest in survival. I definitely learned a lot of things so far on the show that I had never heard of before. I think you will as well.

StankDawg

So I was driving to meet some co-workers for lunch today and they are doing some roadwork near my house. There was this dude who was about a 30-35 years old fairly built black guy riding a bike along the side of the road. He was maybe 8 or 9 car lengths in front of me so I saw everything clearly. He veered off of the road (on his own, no traffic near him) and I am not sure if was trying to show off on purpose or not but what happened was pretty awesome.

There was a pile of dirt (in Florida, that means mostly sand) about 2 feet high right in front of him where he was turning off of the road. Now he might have been trying to show off or just have fun or he might not have seen it at all. He might have been trying to jump it or something because he was pedaling really fast. I don't know what was in his head. All I know is that he went straight into that pile of dirt and I watched his back tire come flying over his head and his face hit the dirt with such impact that his back legs flipped over his head. For a second I really thought that he could have seriously hurt himself. His back flew over the bike and for all I know he could have broken his spine. It was that fast and violent. I think it was lucky that the dirt here was so soft that saved him. If he had hit concrete or something hard, he might have really injured himself.

except the dirt mound was tiny and there was no cushion of dirt to land on. Also instead of a kid, imagine it was Mike Tyson riding the bike. I was amazed that I witnessed this in real life. IT WAS AWESOME! It is the kind of shit that you see one youtube when some idiot tries to do this intentionally and someone films it. Obviously he wasn't expecting this and neither was I so I didn't have any chance of recording it. I was so surprised that I actually witnessed something this freaking awesome that I didn't even really laugh...i just looked in my rear view mirror as I passed with my mouth hanging open.

Now here is where I am big stinky pussy.

I turn in at the next street which gave me a view directly back down the sidewalk/dirt path to where he was. I was too far to get out and help and I tried to yell and ask if he was alright but it was too far. He was getting up and seemed to be dusting the dirt off of his face and chest, but he was going pretty slow. So being the pussy that I am I turned my car around and drove back to make sure that he was ok and offer to help him. By the time I got back there, he was just climbing onto his bike and riding again. I just yelled out the window "are you ok?" and he nodded and just kept right on riding. And he was riding at full speed again I might add.

When I turned back around to continue on to lunch (at the Cracker Barrel, natch) he had turned down a side street and was clearly alright so after a few more seconds it hit me that he was alright and it was OK to laugh. My guess is that he though he was going to jump this little pile of dirt or something but he didn't think about the fact that it wasn't dirt hardened into a ramp. It was a clump of sand! Riding full speed into a soft pile of sand is not a good idea! The sand is not going to support you and launch you into the air...it is giong to move away from you and force you to come to a quick stop! It's called fundamentals of physics and IT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! I wish I had someone been able to film it.

Yeah yeah, i know it was one of those "you had to be there" stories...but it was funny dammit. I was lolling.

StankDawg

So my DVR list has a pretty wide range of shows on my list. I have confessed to the guilty pleasures of "American Idol" and "So you think you can Dance" and the train wreck that is "Jersey Shore". I also love standard popular shows like "LOST" and I just watched the season finale of "Heroes". Mix in some other shows like "Survivorman" and "man vs wild" and "Dog the bounty hunter". Throw in some expected shows like "mythbusters", "conspiracy theory with Jesse Ventura", and "the daily show". So what show could I tell you that would make you say WTF?

RuPauls Drag Race!

That's right, I said it. I watch a show about drag queens and think that it is FAB-U-LOUS! It is a world that I don't know anything about and I find it fascinating! I really do. I have to say that these men...er..women...err...yeah...anyway, these people are genuine and truly comfortable with who they are and I respect that they stand up and aren't afraid to be who they are. This may be a bit of a leap, but it is teh same way that I am not afraid to stand up and admit that I am a hacker.

I admit that their situation may be much harder due to social stigma, but hackers can relate at least o a small scale to having to hide who we are to certain people. There is a lesson here of tolerance and even though you may have laughed at the first part of this entry, I hope that you finish reading this post with a lesson. How can we expect other people to accept us for who we are if we don't accept other people for who they are. Or to put it into words that Rupaul says on the show...

"How can you expect anyone to love you, if you can't love yourself?"

That's right, I quoted RuPaul in a blog post on a hacking site. That is what makes me the dawg.

StankDawg

Here we go again

Possible hosting changes in the future. What a fucking mess. I retired to get away from this shit!

I am scrambling to find hosting solutions again. I am 95% sure that I can find something but there is a small chance that this is the final nail in the coffin of binrev. BinRev is holding on to the edge of the cliff by its last fingers here people. None of you people help out. No one contributes. Its all up to me to hold it together and I don't care anymore if you all don't care. I treat it like an archive now more than anything.

SHOW ME THAT YOU CARE!!! How?

lurk moar and Post moar!

volunteer to help moderate the site(s).

record episodes of HPR.

Use the blogs and galleries that we provide.

link to us from your sites.

recruit others to come and join binrev.

create new project.

do research and write articles.

Just fucking HACK!!!! something! anything!

I will go through the work of moving hosts (I don't need hosting offers, I have that in-progress) but unless someone starts stepping up, we are going down for the last gasp. I served my time. 12 years of my life to this family of sites trying to make a difference in the hacking world and herd cats into cooperating and working together. It was a short-term success with great people like dual parallel, bland, decoder, enigma, droops, nick84, so many others and then it just fell off. It is a long-term failure. Where is the next generation to replace us old farts? I know you are smarter than me. Show us! I will finance it all as long as I can and as long and I see people caring. If you stop caring, so will I.

You provide the content now. My shift is over. I clocked out.

StankDawg

I have known a lot of people in my life that just talk to hear their own voice. I am sure that you all know people like this as well. I am usually pretty patient around them in real life, but for some reason it bugs me when they do the same thing online. Most people call it "post whoring" insinuating that they are just trying to increase their post count, but I don't think this is the case. Post whoring serves no purpose in general since post counts aren't very important in most places, especially here. Having a higher post count is worthless because it doesn't get you anything extra other than attention from the mods and the regulars and if your posts are not quality posts, the attention that you get is probably not what you intended.

I think that people just want to be heard so badly that they feel to need to reply to everything that they see with "I agree" or "hah" or the like. Listen, this is not myspace. This is not your personal blog...ok, this actually is MY personal blog, but it is not yours so STFU! Look, if you are reading this, think about whether the description applies to you. If you think that I am talking to you, then I probably am and I probably think that you are a total fucktard. Stop posting and GTFO the internet.

StankDawg

I am not a bad person

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know...take it to livejournal...but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

***

So I just got back from vacation a few days ago. The first good one that I have had since the breakup and actually the first good one since we first started going out. This time I took a trip with my mother whom I have only seen once all year (she lives several hours away).

Ever since "it" happened, my house and life was left in shambles. That is what abandonment does to people. My house was a wreck. It was dirty, furniture was all in places where I didn't like it because I let her do what she wanted. My mom came up a few days before our trip and helped me clean and we rearranged my whole house. It feels like mine again now.

While on vacation, it was the first time that I had time to tell my own mother the whole story of what happened. I cannot...scratch that... will not tell that story here because no matter how cold and callous she treated me and what horrible things she said about me, I will not drop docs and will still respect her privacy. I am not going to change who I am just because someone else fell from grace. I am better than that. But I will bring one thing up publicly that I have been stressing about and talking to friends about for the past few months. I was called some bad things and felt like I was being turned into a bad person and I think that it is fair that I talk about that because this is my personal blog and I find it therapeutic to get it off of my chest.

I had already heard from friends on the subject of what/how it happened and they tell me that I did not do anything wrong, but friends sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear and while my friends are usually pretty honest, I still had questions about myself. I was explaining to mom the details that she hadn't heard before and my Mom will tell me the truth no matter what, including telling me if it was my fault. Mothers are great that way.

After I got dumped, I was called a liar, a thief, "uncompassionate" and the worst word of all for me..."evil". Now here is the thing. I didn't understand why these words were coming out. I didn't do anything. I was the one who was just left behind with nothing but a phone call (and a 400 hundred dollar international roaming bill..thats right, it cost me 400 bucks to get dumped) so how did that make me "evil"? I try to grow as a person. If someone says something to me, I listen to it. I take it to heart and I have always believed that anything that someone says to you has some bit of truth to it or they wouldn't have said it. When someone says such hurtful things like that to you, especially someone that you love, it really really really hurts and makes you question yourself. Maybe I am a bad person? Maybe I am evil? Maybe I am uncompassionate? Then I realized that I am not the one who abandoned someone without even an excuse and then stopped communicating with them completely other than to call them a thief.

My mother made me realize that it was not anything that I did wrong. I am not a bad person. I am not a thief. I am not uncompassionate and I am certainly not evil. It made me see that there was no validity to these attacks. All I did was love someone and give them everything that I had. If that wasn't enough (I knew early on in the relationship that I was not good enough for her) then so be it, but the petty name calling and childish accusations are beneath me. She also made me realize that I am not usually even friends with people who are like that. I would not even treat a dog the way that she treated me (no "StankDawg" pun intended). I was in love with someone who is capable of being so cold-hearted and suddenly I realize what a mistake I made. My friends told me not to even pursue this relationship due to the weird way that it began (I should have listened to you droops and Enigma, you were right) but I am actually a compassionate guy and thought that people deserve chances. I realize now that it was a mistake. I fell in love with someone that was great, but ended up getting dumped by someone that I don't even respect as a person. When you wait your whole life for that "good person" that you think is different and better than the rest, you realize that they are just as bad as the girls in the clubs. They all treat me like shit. I think the "good girl" is as big of a myth as unicorns. They just don't exist. women are cold-hearted and I fell for the good girl routine thinking she was different and wouldn't treat me poorly. I thought she was better than that. I was wrong.

So don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am without fault. I make mistakes..lots of them. But in this case, I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was treated. I thank my friends and ultimately my mother for helping me to see that. My mother is a pretty strong, independent, wise woman even though she was also degraded as "just a housewife" as though that were all there was to her (and assuming that is what she has done her entire life which is not true)as though that were something to be ashamed of. Being a good mother is the greatest job that any woman could have and my mother has reason to be proud because she did a great job. Insulting me is one thing, but insulting my mother is unacceptable and something that only a certain caliber of person could do and I see that now. At least my mother is strong enough to take care of herself and raise 3 kids and not be a burden on society by being a leech on the system like many people that I know. I love my mother.

So what it comes down to is that I am happy with who I am. If she wasn't happy with me, then God bless her, but I think the truth is that she is not happy with herself. Let her find that Superman that she needs. But I am not any of the terrible things that she called me. I am happy with who I am, even with my faults. I am the guy who loaned his friends money to buy their first house. I am the guy who co-signed for his friends to adopt their first child. I am the guy who spends his own time and money to run this site for the past 10+ years. I am the guy who mentors young people. I am the guy who is willing to raise money for charity by shaving his head. I the guy who occasionally makes mistake and cusses far too much but all-in-all tries to make the world a better place.

I am StankDawg.

I am David Blake.

I am a good person.

I am happy with who I am.

StankDawg

Ok, so I am not exactly boycotting it, but I am not getting all heavy into it this year. I am not falling into the commercialization anymore. I never really thought of Christmas as a commercial holiday, but somehow it became one out of entitlement. Someone buys you a gift and you are obligated to buy one back for them and it grows and grows. I don't think this is at all what this holiday is supposed to be about.

Without going into a religious topic here, since I tend to keep my personal beliefs to myself, but this holiday is to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Now, believe that or not, thats fine. Personal decisions and all of that...but I do believe that and I do not understand how that became "buy everyone you know lots of gifts". The tradition comes from the wise men who brought gifts to the baby Jesus and we keep that tradition up this very day. That is all well and good, but the obligation needs to stop.

I do not see the point in buying my sister a gift card only to have her buy me a gift card of the same value for another store. why bother? The stores are the ones who really benefit from this token gesture in the form of a guaranteed sale. Don't get me wrong, I am not a Grinch. I love Christmas and what it truly stands for. But let's be honest, Christmas is a childrens holiday. I have no problem buying gifts for kids and keeping the holidays magical and fun. But for those of us who grew up, it is just all false idolatry to the almighty dollar. Not "idol" in a Godlike way, but in a shift of priorities. I am not doing it anymore.

Similar to the way that I don't want gifts to celebrate my birthday (and arbitrary day if there ever was one) I don't want gifts out of obligation. If you want to buy me a gift, do it because you think of me or care about me and thought it would be a nice thing that has no relevance to a date. I buy gifts for people all the time. Why should I wait to give them at Christmas or some particular day? I will give them when I think of that person and buy the gift for them. Personally, if someone gave me a small gift or a card on some strange Wednesday for no reason at all other than that they simply cared about me, that would mean far more to me than if someone bought me a brand new car on Christmas. I can buy a new car myself. You cannot buy caring and love.

So that being said, I only bought a few small practical gifts for my new baby niece. I made arrangements with my family to not do the gift exchange mockery this this. I do have a few small things for people, but not out of obligation, but because I care. They are small, cheap things that I picked up on my travels and I don't count that is going out of my way to get gifts.

No matter what your feeling are on gift-giving, please let me wish you all a happy holiday. I still love the holiday and the intent behind it, so don't misinterpret that. I will be out of town for the rest of the year visiting my family. Hopefully, I make it back alive. I am going to start 2010 strong and refocused and hopefully it treats me a whole lot better than 2009 did. ;)

StankDawg

I took an online personality disorder test (that I saw linked from 4chan of all places). We all know how accurate these things are...but seriously, there probably is a bit of truth to some of it. Obviously only a real psychiatrist can diagnose you truly.

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Low

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: Moderate

Antisocial: Low

Borderline: Low

Histrionic: Low

Narcissistic: Low

Avoidant: Low

Dependent: Low

Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

I don't know how I feel about these results. OCD..I can see that due to my eating habits and my tendency to be stubborn about how things should be done and done right (I admit that "right" can be subjective though). The schitzotypal thing is a bit misleading since it deals with paranoia. I am not paranoid that the world is out to get me (believe me, I witnessed someone like that first hand) but I to tend to believe that our government hides things from us as do big corporations. Because of those conspiracy theory beliefs, I guess that classifies me as moderate.

StankDawg

Hot Tub Time Machine

I saw an advanced screening of "Hot Tub Time Machine" last night and it was pretty funny, albeit a bit predictable. I don't need to bother with spoilers since the title pretty much explains the premise and there isn't much else. There really isn't much to this movie as far as plot goes but the thing that was so good was simply the dialogue. I felt like I related to every character in the movie in some way. I was just like the asshole character in some ways, especially waiting for the "arm thing" to happen (OK, that is a spoiler so you have to watch it). I was also a lot like the geeky character for obviously reasons. But so much of the dialogue was just the same type of shit that we talk about at our BR407 meetings or with my other friends. It was just the same kind of debates and arguments over silly things. My favorite line in the movie was an argument over what had just happened and it went something like this:

Jacob: This is scientifically possible!

Nick: Tell us how it's scientifically possible, Professor Hawking.

Jacob: I will, 'cause I write Stargate fan fiction; this is my bread and butter, man!

Nick: Oh my God, I seriously almost passed out you're such a dork.

I lolled several times in this movie. If you get a chance, I recommend it. It probably won't get the best reviews since it wasn't original or anythign special, but if you just want to see a good laugh out loud movie, go see it.

StankDawg

To quote someone from the off-topic section, "The Revolution will be Monetized!"

WHAT IT IS:

Many of our long-time users here know that we have been through a long road of increasing server costs that have come out of my pocket personally. I have not bothered anyone about money because I want to share as much information for free as we could to help our community grow. I always tried to find alternative ways to pay for our family of sites. Increased server costs and software licenses have made that difficult financially, but I think I have found a solution that if fair to everyone *and* will hopefully help ease my personal financial burden.

I never set up a donations link because I wanted to give people something back in appreciation for their support and I think that I have found a way to do that. What I have done is create a new member group called "Agents of the Revolution" that is a subscription based group. What this means is that you can only join this group by donating $25.00 towards binrev and all of our services each year as part of this subscription. It is important to immediately point out after that statement that THIS IS TOTALLY OPTIONAL! It will not impact any current members in any way whatsoever! All of the forums that we have currently are not going to change and are still under the same settings that they always have been. This new group is strictly on a voluntary basis.

So why would you want to join this group? Besides just the show of support, we tried to give you a lot of extra bonuses and capacity on the server. They are as follows..

WHAT YOU GET:

  • More PM space (500!)
  • Unlimited gallery space!
  • Free blog space right here on binrev.com
  • Access to 1 special private agents-only forum
  • Advance previews of content (like articles, radio shows, videos, etc...)
  • Exclusive and Advanced offers before public availability (discounts with affiliate sites, pre-purchase of binrev merchandise, etc...)
  • More forum features to numerous to mention (no flood control on searches, ability to view offline board, change your forum name, etc...)
  • Our appreciation for your support!

IMPORTANT NOTES and FAQ:

  • Forum rules still apply! You MUST FOLLOW THE FORUMS RULES or you can still be warned and/or banned and your money WILL NOT be refunded!
  • You can choose not to renew at any time if you are no longer interested.
  • There is another separate group called "Senior Agents" who have access to this private forum as well. Membership to the senior agents group is by invite only for members who participate in project and content for the hacking community. YOU CANNOT BUY MEMBERSHIP TO THIS GROUP!

DIRECTIONS:

How do you subscribe to this group?

If you have decided that you like what you see and want to subscribe to this new group, you can do so by going into your "MY CONTROLS" section using the link located in the upper right hand corner of the forums. On the left hand side menu system you will see a section labeled "OPTIONS". Here you should click on "Purchase Paid Subscriptions" and you will see that there is only 1 subscription available. Select it and click the continue button which will take you to the PAYPAL payment gateway. At this time, we are only able to offer paypal as our payment gateway. New users will be presented with this option when they join the forums.

The payment and activation should be immediate assuming your paypal account works properly. If it does not, you can PM me with your information and I will look into it. When you come back to the forums, you should notice yourself in the member list for the new group.

CLOSING:

I know that some of you will not agree with this and think that everything should be free, but please understand that it is getting more and more difficult to sustain these ongoing costs which I have covered personally for the past 5+ years. I have come out of my own pocket for literally tens of thousands of dollars during this time. I have resisted advertising on binrev.com and want to continue to do so. I thought that this was a fair compromise that still provides the same service but offers you something in return for your donation. Between this and the ads that we have put on our smaller sites (most of you probably didn't even notice these either) we hope that we will be able to cover our monthly costs long into the future.

Thank you for your support, whether financial or participation in the forums. I understand that not everyone can afford to do this, but we appreciate everyone none-the-less. I look forward to a long life for the Revolution!

-StankDawg

StankDawg

OK, so I am stepping away from the day-to-day operation of binrev and all of the associated sites. BAwwww.... whatever. Anyway, I am going into the semi-retirement life that is blogging and producing content again. You will see me less involved in forum maintenance and content and becoming more of a standard user here. I will be moving the content from my old site over to this one and try to blog regularly. Why? Because FUCK YOU I'M AN ALLIGATOR!

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That is my new attitude. You guys all hate me, and hate how I run things, so fine...fuck you, I'm the dawg. I don't need your shit. I am living my life no and doing what I want. Right now, I have more important personal drama and bullshit in my head to deal with skiddies and asshats. I am going to focus more on my friends and family and get all of the recent negativity out of my life. That shit brings you down. I will use this blgo top post shit that I find kool and probably to whine and bitch about my life. I don't do livejournal and myspace and shit like that, so you fuckers will have to put up with it or don't read it. This is my personal place to vent and get shit off of my chest. I have been going through a lot of personal issues lately and I am finding it therapeutic to talk and write about it. It helps to get it off of my chest.

If you don't like it...

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I will explain more about your new team and structure soon.

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StankDawg

NOTE: This post was originally made on the same date in 2005, not 2006.

First of all, I don't owe anyone an explanation individually. But since there are a few people out there who wonder why I am pulling out of the public scene, I thought I would try to explain my reasons in the hopes that maybe a few people would understand. I do not have a problem sharing these reasons, but if you intend to attack me for them, you should stop reading now. I don't want to hear it.

Basically, I unplugged for 2 general reasons. Firstly, I pulled out for personal reasons. Secondly, I pulled out because hacking wasn't fun anymore. For those of you who are genuinely interested, I will gladly explain.

As far as personal things go, you have to understand that the word personal infers that I am, in fact, a "person". Somehow people think that hackers are all a bunch of punk kids who have no real life problems and run around without a care in the world. Hackers are people. I am a hacker, but I still love my country. I still love my family. I believe in God. I am not ashamed to admit any of these things, but somehow people lose sight of the fact that we are all real people with real lives. We have real hopes and real dreams. We face real triumphs and real tragedies. We find real love and face real heartbreak. Life changing events happen and hacking takes a backseat to real life. If you have ever heard my radio show, you would know that I have said this many times. I guess now you all know that I meant it. Never let the important things in your life take a backseat to anything.

In my real life, I have had some pretty big events happen lately. I have kept them private while continuing to work on numerous projects to help keep my mind off of things. My 82 year old grandmother recently moved down here to South Florida. She is the only grandparent that I have left and I love her dearly. I have been spending as much time as I could with her lately. For the most part, she is healthy for an 82 year old woman, and she is blessed to be well enough to enjoy life and live independently. Spending quality time with her is my number one priority above all else on this planet. I have been able to balance my time with her and all of the other things in my life fairly well until last month. I had another life changing event that altered my path. I was offered a job that requires me to move out of South Florida and I accepted it. It is a great opportunity for me doing something I love (programming) and using my education and my 15+ years of experience in the computer industry. It was an offer that I could not refuse. This is a very good thing and I am very happy with these changes in my life and my grandmother is happy for me as well.

The reality that I am left with, however, is that I will be physically packing my entire life and moving within a month or so. In that time period, I must sell my house and buy a new house. This means packing up everything I own and repairing my old house to sell it, which is what I have been doing since the beginning of July. As if that weren't enough, I am determined to start this new job on the right foot and really attack it with every fiber of my being. Some of you out there know how hard I work and how I give 337% on everything I do, whether it is writing "show novels" for BRR, researching material for an article, or editing HackTV. I take pride in everything I do. I was always taught that anything worth doing, is worth doing right. I want to do my very best at this new job and after my grandmother, I intend to focus the rest of my concentration on this new job.

All of these events just made me step back and realize that the balance had shifted temporarily. I could no longer juggle hacking and life. I needed to borrow from my "hacking time" to pay my "real life time" to help counter-balance the needs that I now faced. I started making plans to slowly pull out a few months ago as these changes became imminent. I made sure that the radio show would be taken care of months ago (around episode 80 to put it in perspective) and I started asking the guys in DDP to pick up some of the slack for me and carry me for a while. These guys are all so great, that not one...not a single one of them...hesitated to rescue me. I probably don't tell them enough how much I appreciate them. They are not only friends, but they are like brothers to me. I was willing to completely leave the hacking scene to concentrate on real life, but they made it possible for me to stick around...and want to stick around. This leads me to the other reason I unplugged...

The other reason is that no matter how hard I tried to keep it fun, hacking ceased being fun to me. Certainly, the real life things probably weighed into that, but it was more than that. Hacking was slowly losing its fun day by day over the past year or so anyway. There are a lot of great people in this community. There is no doubt of that. I have met several of them at different conferences. I have gotten heartwarming email from them that helped my regain some of my love of hacking. I have seen and heard a lot of great comments from people and I appreciate them all. I sincerely do. But I also got a lot of negative mail and read lots of negative comments from people as well. And they seemed to far outway the positive comments. I see the blog posts of people attacking me and insulting me. I hear the comments people make on conferences. I see the insulting messages people post in forums ( even in my *OWN DAMN FORUMS*) or put in their videos. What did I do to deserve this? I thought we were all on the same team?

Now it is easy for people to say "just ignore people like that". And actually, I am very, VERY good at ignoring people like that. I simply do not have time in my life for negative people in general. I do my very best to help out anyone who asks. But slowly, over time, they start to weigh on you. There are people out there who need help. They don't understand what hacking is. They just don't get it. But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be helped. They may just need guidance. I have met people who were complete jerks when I first met them. They didn't know that they were being jerks because no one ever told them that they were doing the wrong things. I like to teach people the right things. But sometimes, you can't help those who don't want to be helped. Maybe I come across too strong. I guess that is my weakness, that I speak my mind. May that makes me arrogant, I don't know. Anyone who really knows me, knows that they can ask me for anything and they know I will do as much as humanly possibly to help them out. All I can do is the best that I can. Some days, that just isn't enough for some people.

Then there are other little things that make me feel bad. I get messages from people who are angry with me that I didn't answer their email. They don't understand that I get literally dozens of emails every day and I simply cannot answer them all. I wish I could, but I simply can't. Logistically, I started to feel that I was stretching myself to thin. When you are the type of person who wants to help EVERYBODY and you don't have time to GET TO everybody, it gets frustrating. And I do not have any "real life time" to borrow from anymore to do that. This is slightly frustrating, but since there is simply nothing that I can do about it (I can't alter the flow of time...yet), I have to suck it up and move on with life the best that I can.

The proverbial straw that broke the camels back, was really nothing big or overly frustrating so much as simply bad timing. I was trying my very best to do everything that I could to keep contributing to this community to the best of my ability and to keep putting out content and balance all of the things that I have been talking about and suddenly, I hit the wall. I had enough. Had I seen another random person making a bad comment, I probably could have ignored it. Had I seen yet another blog of someone talking about how much one of my projects or articles sucked, I would have brushed it off. If I had seen another ignorant "journalist" using me to sell his fear-laden articles, I would have laughed it off. Instead, what I saw was someone who I thought was a friend publicly humiliate me at the precise moment when I needed support. When I was at the end of my rope, no one was there to give me a boost. Instead, they kicked me right off.

Now, it is irrelevant to single anyone out, particularly because they probably didn't mean it to come across the way that it did. I understand that, and I don't blame them. But what it did was open my eyes. I realized the hard truth that while there are some great people out there, there are others that simply don't care about you one way or the other. It does not matter how much you give to them, they are never satisfied. They cannot enjoy anything without criticizing it. I don't know what personality trait this is, or if it is more or less prevalent in the hacker community, but I don't like it. I suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that every single thing I do is scrutinized. Here I thought that I was educating people with a radio show and having fun. I was being made fun of. I thought that I was entertaining people with a hacking television show. I was being insulted. I thought that I was providing useful services and projects that people inside (and outside) of the community could enjoy. They were simply being attacked. The thing that I didn't understand, and the thing that bothered me most, was that while all of these people were bitching and complaining about me, not a single person stood up and defended me. Not a SINGLE ONE. No posts of support. No posts defending false allegations. Nothing but silent acceptance.

This is not what the hacking spirit is all about and I don't want to be a part of it right now. It is a terrible feeling to suddenly realize that nobody cares enough to have your back.

I will never understand why some people seem to think that constantly complaining and being negative about everything can ever generate anything positive. All that you do is chase people away. New people need advice and information. Don't insult them, help them! Returning people are looking for another chance. Reach out to them, do not reinforce the negative image that caused them to leave in the first place. And the people that have managed to stay around for any length of time...just support them. You don't have to agree with them. You don't have to like them. But you will respect them. I do not need my ego stroked, nor do I need to hear a "thank you". I just don't think that I deserve the personal attacks, scrutiny and lack of common courtesy that I have been given.

So I do thank the people who have emailed me in recent weeks. I do appreciate that some people cared enough about my well being to email me and say a simple "thanks" or to offer their help and sympathy for my well being. I am honestly touched. You leave me with a great joy to know that there are some people in this community who are genuine and good hearted people. My fellow hackers...my fellow human beings. If I do come back, after some hiatus, it is because of people like you. I cannot list everyone, but you know who you are. I do have to single out my fellow DDP members (past, present, and future) for all of their support. I am proud of what they have accomplished..what we have accomplished. Thanks for keeping hacking fun. Thanks to Acidus, Decius, Elonka, rockit, droops, GIJoe, Dr^Zigman, LogosX, PixelFiend, xlogicx, austin, and Zearle. All of whom were always positive and supportive people to whom I give much deserved respect. And even with all of this, I still have not forgotten about decoder who is going through some pretty rough real life stuff as well. I am still thinking of you my friend. Trust me when I say that *I* have got *your* back.

I am still around, just no longer in the public eye. I have to stick with those people who I trust to be good people and stay away from the critics and the community that simply doesn't want me. I don't have time to be hated. I will continue to write. I will continue to keep making sites and starting projects and programming. The sites/forum/shows/projects/etc... will stick around as long as I can afford them. The DDP will still exist and grow. I will never stop hacking because I love it. If anything, I am able to dedicate more time to it because of this. I have a lot of great friends in this community. They are friends that hopefully will last my entire lifetime. I will never stop hacking. It is a part of me. It is what makes up who I am.

I am StankDawg.

I am a hacker.

StankDawg

I bought one of those expensive Dyson vacuum cleaners a few years ago and it worked pretty good...at first. Like every other vacuum, it started to lose power and go bad over time. I took a chance and spent like 400 bucks on it thinking it would last longer and work better than those cheap ones. After about 2 years, it got to the point where it was almost worthless. I cleaned the big middle canister and scrubbed it down frequently, but that didn't so much. I also took the bottom rollers apart and scrubbed them as well. Still, nothing. Today's task was to take it apart completely, which we hackers love to do, and see if I could fix it...make it stronger...build the 6 million dollar vacuum!!!! OK, maybe I just wanted fix my $400 dollar vacuum but that didn't sound dramatic enough to post.

I took it out to the driveway to work on it outside so I didn't make a mess. I took a couple of tools (brute force tools like pliers and a flathead screwdriver to pry stuff apart) and began methodically taking this thing apart. I went through the same process that I had been through before, cleaning and scrubbing each part as I removed it. I finally had the thing in pieces and thought that it wasn't really that dirty and there was nothing that I saw that should have stopped it from working better. There were no noticeable blockages in any of the hoses/tubes. Nothing was stuck or clogged anywhere. The tornado chamber thing (or whatever the patented term is) where all of the dirt is caught was now as clean as a whistle and I could not seem to get it apart any further to see if there was anything more on the inside to clean. So after sitting there thinking that I would never buy one of these things again I went ahead and started putting it back together to go give it one last try when I noticed a small sticker on the bottom of the main unit itself. The sticker said to clean the filter once every 6 months. I thought, yeah, well I clean it and it doesn't help. I started to put the central tornado unit thing back onto the base when I realized...wait a minute, these things don't have normal filters like other vacuum cleaners...do they?

I always thought that the center piece, which I cleaned many times, was the filter. I took this off and looked again at the base and noticed that the center of the frame was round where the plastic tornado thing clicks in and it looked like it might have something beneath it. I looked closer and could see another sticker that showed that the center piece, which looks continuous and like it should not come apart, actually flips up to get access to another section. Do you want to guess what was in the section?

A FILTER!

I felt like a moron. I cannot believe that I never saw this before. I pried it open, careful not to break it, and sure enough, there is a small round filter maybe 8 inches in diameter and about an inch or two thick. It was COVERED in about an inch of pure crud. Dried crud, but crud none-the-less. It was clear that this was the reason that the thing had lost suction. I pulled it out, beat the big dirt off of it outside in the driveway and then brought it inside to clean in the sink. It turns out that this filter, like everything else on the Dyson, is strong and well designed. It is rubber on the sides and designed to be washed under the sink and squeezed to drain the water. After a minute or two of washing and letting it dry for another 30 minutes, I finally put the machine back together and sure and heck this thing was as good as new.

Now I consider myself to be a fairly smart guy, and I didn't notice this section until a final breakdown of the entire machine. I wonder how many other people out there have also run into this problem and returned units, or thrown them away and/or written bad reviews about them all because they couldn't find the filter either? I never even knew that a filter existed! I thought that was what made Dyson different but they are just like every other vacuum. They all need filters somewhere, and even when I bought it I knew that something was strange about a vacuum that didn't have a filter and now, 3 years later, I find that I was right. So I don't like the way that they make it sound like there is no filter involved, but even with that being said, it is still an awesome vacuum with good design and engineering.

So why am I writing about it here in a hacker blog? Because as hackers, we like to take stuff part, so it was actually a fun process. Sometimes we end up being unable to put them back together, but this one worked out for the best. Hackers are pretty good handymen (and women) and I don't know why so many people don't realize that. There is this old stereotype that we all sit on computers all day and are weak feeble invalids that don't go out in sunlight, but the truth is that we make great mechanics because we hack our cars. We make great handymen and engineers because we take stuff apart, improve it, and fix it. We make great survivalists because we like to be prepared for anything. Hackers are so misunderstood in what makes us tick. We just like to be challenged...and that applies to everything, not just technology.

So go out and take something apart! Especially after it is broken or dying. Try to fix it or even improve it and put it back together. If it was broken, you don't lose anything anyway. You might surprise yourself with what you can accomplish.