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Trust after bad relationships

Posted by StankDawg , 16 May 2010 · 330 views

After a bad relationship (The worst in my entire history, however short of a list that may be) I have recently been back in the dating world, such as it is. It is very difficult finding someone out there who can put up with all that goes along with being me. I have very high standards for people and I am not willing to settle for just anyone yet that being said, I admit that I am certainly not the greatest catch out there.

That being said, I have been finding it difficult to trust after being used and mistreated in a previous relationship. It is a fine line between holding up standards in what I expect in a girlfriend and how much I hold myself back. This past abuse has turned me a bit jaded. I want to trust. I want to be trusted. I am not sure if I know how to do that.

I am also a hacker, which means I am distrustful by nature. I question everything. So when someone says something to me, I always take it with a grain of salt. That makes it difficult to trust it when someone pays me a compliment, or does extend themself to me. Everyone that I have ever trusted has eventually let me down (except for my mother who is the only person in all of existence that I trust explicitly).

Luckily, one thing that I do have that helps is a Southern upbringing. I grew up in a world where people trust each other in general. It is very easy for me to trust people for small things. I loan friends money all the time. I take risks to help people...even strangers. I give my time, my knowledge, my advice, and anything that I can. These are easy for me because I want to help people an I like helping people and I like it when people trust me because it means that I can probably trust them. Because of that belief system and way of life, I always give everyone a chance when I first meet them. That comes very easy to me. But that is not the trust that I am talking about here. That is a different type of trust. I always give people people a chance to earn my trust at those types of things. When it comes to my heart and my soul...that is a lot harder and that is the root of this whole conundrum.

I still believe that you have to be willing to trust and you have to have someone who is willing to trust you as well. This is very difficult for me these days and I have to keep reminding myself to trust people. If you don't give people a chance to come into your life...they never will. This puts me in a delicate balancing act...

I have to somehow try to balance these two seemingly incompatible worlds: The world of hurt...and the world of hope.

I have been talking to a very nice young lady recently and she has actually been pretty awesome. Most that I have talked to have been mental, boring, or disinterested in me. Even though we have only gone out a couple of times, I think this one is different. WE laugh and cuss and make the same silly jokes. We like to torture each other with mixed messages. We both have similar pasts. Last night, I spent the entire night until 5 AM texting and talking with her on the phone. I haven't actually gotten along with anyone like this in a while and it is a scary thing to me. Especially since this is exactly how that last abusive relationship started. I don't want to trust too much and potentially be hurt again but I also don't want to miss out on a great woman because I was unable to open myself up and trust again. I am putting my heart on the line again and hoping that it is the right thing to do. I hope I am doing the right thing.

This shit is HARD!!!! I FAIL at dating.

There has to be one other person out there who I can trust isn't there?

Stank...I sense trouble...how old is this "nice young lady?" I know it's the South here that we're talking about. Remember this is the 21st century...you can't do that stuff anymore.
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Alright, well first you have to get it out of your mind that you're a bad catch. You're not. The StankDawg I know is a very kind, gentle, man. That counts for alot.

I've been hurt too, and it took me quite a while to lower my barriers with my current partner. The only thing I can say is that taking it slow is not an indication of poor trust. It's an indication that you need time to test the waters, and make sure that this is something that is good for the both of you.
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Stank...I sense trouble...how old is this "nice young lady?" I know it's the South here that we're talking about. Remember this is the 21st century...you can't do that stuff anymore.

Depends where!
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lol...Stank have you checked?
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lol...Stank have you checked?

he probably has but if he tells a dirty german like you, you'd have to check your self lol. </racist/dirty joke>

you dont have to look at it in such a black and white manor, as if you trust them or not, its how much you trust them. you dont have to hold back all the water, nor open all the gates, just open enough.
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hahaha... not that young, don't worry. ;) It's all legal..damn what do you people think of me? I'm not a cradle robber!
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Id like to give you some sensible moral advice, but Im afraid Id go for getting her in the sack a few times and if she stays round she's a keeper :laugh:
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Jun 22 2010 03:03 PM
Believe in yourself - girls like that sort of thing. You're a smart guy, women like that - at least the nicer ones do.

I was single for ages and my 'friends' kept saying I should settle and 'she's out of your league', etc, etc. It annoyed me and I refused to settle - then finally I bagged a hottie and she's really, really nice too. Now we're engaged - and those 'friends' aren't invited to the ceremony. :tongue:
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Relationships are the biggest gamble any person can take in life. Relationships can bring death, debt, anger, mistrust, and destruction. Relationships can also bring love, happiness, life, wealth, and promote success in every aspect of our lives.

If there is anything I have learned over these last few years is that life is too short to spend your days conservatively, watching your every move, and the moves of every other person around you.

Its very difficult for me to read your post and have you attribute your lifestyle as a hacker to the application of trust and mistrust in a relationship. The hacker culture is black and white, but real life experiences are not.

However, it is applicable to apply your lifestyle as a hacker to the functionality of observation. Observation is probably the key skill that makes a good hacker, and nobody on this forum doubts your skill.

Point is, you should consider observing the situation and differing your conclusion about whether this woman can be trusted with your heart based on what you observe. Her body language, her outward expersion towards you and how these things attribute to how much you feel respected.

Trust is based on respect, which is most definitely not a black and white attribute.
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