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11/11 is no longer a good day for me

Posted by StankDawg , 11 November 2009 · 1 views

personal

I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know...take it to livejournal...but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.

***


If my year had gone the way that I planned it, I would have been proposing to someone today...Today would have been the first day of the rest of my life. The first day of my life that I was complete. As it turns out, that will not be happening.

People change their minds I guess. Things happen, people get scared, hell I don't even know what happened to be honest because I wasn't given an explanation. I was just dumped with no explanation at all. And for the past few months since that happened, I keep trying to find something that I did wrong to cause it. I know this sounds strange, but I almost wish that I *had* actually done something wrong or bad. I wish that I *had* cheated on her or used her or something like that just so that I at least have closure. At least then, I would have a reason to look at myself and feel bad and learn and grow from it and try to avoid making that mistake again. What I finally came realize was that I *didn't* do anything wrong. I *didn't* deserve this. This was NOT my fault.

Now wait a minute, don't be misled...I am no saint. I am not saying that I never did anything wrong. We had some arguments on occasion and while that is normal and healthy in some cases, sometimes it is not. There were occasion misunderstandings, but those happened both ways. This is also normal in my mind. If you love and trust your partner, then you work things like that out. But my point here is to say that I am sure that I made some mistakes and did or said some things that I regret (and apologized for) but so did she so I think we were even on that front.

But in the end, I was still planning on spending the rest of my life with this woman. We had discussed kids, including adopting one. We had even picked out names! We had discussed moving to a new house sometime in the future and I thought that she was the soulmate that I had waited my whole life for. She looked into my eyes 4 days before she left and told me "you are a good man". Apparently, that was until 4 days later when she dumped me over the phone and never came back. I deserve better than that. I deserve an explanation. I deserve a chance to work through whatever problems she thinks existed. I deserve a face to face explanation.

I deserve better.

So here I sit, in a hotel room in New York City, on 11/11. The day that I was going to propose. The day when my new life was going to begin. I have an engagement ring and no one to give it to. I am pretty pathetic.




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systems_glitch
Nov 11 2009 11:26 PM
Your new life has begun, it's just not what you had in mind.
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That's not true Stink...I'm right here. Here take my hand, put that expensive ring on it, and tell me how much you love me.

G-d fucking damnit...if I was back in Philly I would take the Jersey turnpike and drive to your hotel whereupon I would do a little Godfather routine on you followed by a trek back to Philly get you plastered down on 2nd street and get you laid by every horny South Philly woman we could find...and there are a lot. Or if you prefer, we can go to Gay town on 12th and Chestnut and get you all hemmeroided up.

It has been months now. If what you are saying is true, then it is CLEARLY her fault. Only one thing remains: determine whether or not it was malicious. That is, just like a guy running away from a commitment, females do the same...if this is the case then this is the "good" scenario as it indicates something that can be worked out. Either she overcomes her commitment issue, USING the love for you as the motivation, proving that you are the one, or she fails, unable to overcome her own flaws. The "bad" scenarios is that she was manipulating you for quite some time...I guess your beatboxing skills clearly meant you were some kind of catch for awhile in her mind...and you were the best thing she could get for the time being. If that scenario is true then screw her...I would use harsher terms but you are still in a disheavled state. I'm not looking to get banned out of rage.

The good news is that no matter what you've come to terms with the fact that you are NOT at fault no matter what the outcome and that's half the battle. Go Stank!
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dont worry about it so much stank. your still a functioning member of society you'll be able to find your woman it might take awhile though as people dont use indexing services like a dictionary/operating system they are just all throw out in one big folder it takes awhile to sift it. the important thing is that you dont let the events change you too much as you dont want to end up being afraid of commitment yourself, but id still be nice for some caution. learn from the experience but dont let it control you.
+ your not a crazy guy like me so theres a good chance of finding your woman.
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phr34kc0der
Nov 13 2009 09:30 AM
C'mon Stank, cheer up! Some women screw you over and some don't. It sucks but it's life. I know it's hard and this girl must have been pretty special but don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe it's the hacker way. We ask 'why' all the time but sometimes we just cant know. You've had an experience and hopefully you have learnt something from it and now you can put it behind you and move on. From your posts its obvious how devastated you are. Hang it there. It'll get better :)

Besides, it must be better that you got dumped BEFORE you gave her the ring.
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Thanks for the cheer-ups. Actually getting past this date gave me a little bit of closure just knowing that it "could have been" made me realize that it is over. I am moving on now and I wouldn't change anything about it...I also wouldn't take her back now after that date, which helped me move on as well. All this time, I thought she would come to her senses and realize her mistake, but I guess she still doesn't think it was a mistake. I always told her that no one can tell you how to feel and if she truly feels that way then what can I do? I know that I now realize that she was far too high maintenance for me and I deserve someone better.

Life is good. :)
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good to hear your feeling better stank.
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Stank-
Dont get down on yourself or feel sorry. Sometimes things just dont work. I have had numerous girlfriends that just stopped like that. And i have had some thatr i drove away. I am definately not a great person for relationships, but i gave it all for a while with one woman who ended up just like all the others. Its just life, some people are more in love with the thought of being in love than they actually are in love with the person they are with. It takes a strong person to love someone without there being any factors like money etc involved. You seem to be a good person at heart, but good people get hurt and turn into bad people sometimes, dont let that happen to you. It happened to me.
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