11/11 is no longer a good day for me
I will warn you up front that this is a very personal post and I am using this blog and will continue to do so for some sort of therapy of my own. I have found that typing things up helps get them off of my chest and helps me come to terms with things. I know, I know...take it to livejournal...but fuck that. This is my life and my blog. Yes, I am a hacker and all that, but I keep reminding everyone that I am also a human being. this is the blog of a hacker and a human being at the same time. If that makes it less interesting, so be it.
If my year had gone the way that I planned it, I would have been proposing to someone today...Today would have been the first day of the rest of my life. The first day of my life that I was complete. As it turns out, that will not be happening.
People change their minds I guess. Things happen, people get scared, hell I don't even know what happened to be honest because I wasn't given an explanation. I was just dumped with no explanation at all. And for the past few months since that happened, I keep trying to find something that I did wrong to cause it. I know this sounds strange, but I almost wish that I *had* actually done something wrong or bad. I wish that I *had* cheated on her or used her or something like that just so that I at least have closure. At least then, I would have a reason to look at myself and feel bad and learn and grow from it and try to avoid making that mistake again. What I finally came realize was that I *didn't* do anything wrong. I *didn't* deserve this. This was NOT my fault.
Now wait a minute, don't be misled...I am no saint. I am not saying that I never did anything wrong. We had some arguments on occasion and while that is normal and healthy in some cases, sometimes it is not. There were occasion misunderstandings, but those happened both ways. This is also normal in my mind. If you love and trust your partner, then you work things like that out. But my point here is to say that I am sure that I made some mistakes and did or said some things that I regret (and apologized for) but so did she so I think we were even on that front.
But in the end, I was still planning on spending the rest of my life with this woman. We had discussed kids, including adopting one. We had even picked out names! We had discussed moving to a new house sometime in the future and I thought that she was the soulmate that I had waited my whole life for. She looked into my eyes 4 days before she left and told me "you are a good man". Apparently, that was until 4 days later when she dumped me over the phone and never came back. I deserve better than that. I deserve an explanation. I deserve a chance to work through whatever problems she thinks existed. I deserve a face to face explanation.
I deserve better.
So here I sit, in a hotel room in New York City, on 11/11. The day that I was going to propose. The day when my new life was going to begin. I have an engagement ring and no one to give it to. I am pretty pathetic.